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Unalome

7/2/2019

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Oh, what a long hiatus this has been.  I needed to deviate from course, the spiritual awakening course I was on after my cancer experience.  As much as I believed I had healed from so much turmoil throughout life, it turns out there was still much submerged that needed excavation.  And so, on a new course I ventured in 2016. 

I was on such a high on life from my cancer camp experience in Colorado that I embraced my free-spirited inner child completely.  I went skydiving and got my motorcycle endorsement in late 2014.  Thoroughly enjoyed such pursuits.  At some point in 2016, thought it would be nice to enjoy adventuring with a partner.  So, I opened the door to dating.  My son was now a teenager with his own agenda and felt the time was right to the possibility of establishing a relationship.  My son’s dad had left 12 years prior, and after a few missed and blink brief trials, it was time for this babe to put herself out there.  Onto the proverbial dating site I went.  I might have been there about 5 months encountering few interests, some definite no’s until the one guy popped into my inbox.  “Hey, do you like sport bikes?”  And that was the simple 5 worded question that took me off course. 

We messaged back and forth briefly before meeting in person.  Both in our forties, no time to waste at this precious stage of life!  We hit it off immediately, I mean blast off!  We had a great long first date, full of conversation and adventuring on motorcycle of course.   We were just 8 months apart in age, both had older teen children (just one girl for him to offset my one boy), both foodies at heart, a love for the same movies and TV shows, and just as equally passionate about water and land adventures.  And what we both didn’t enjoy was such a delight as well. We both are averse to hours in front of the TV or at a stadium on a weekend or any other day to watch balls get tossed around.   This felt like a home run (pun intended). 
But as all relationships go, the high eventually begins to wear off and the ones who make it are the ones who dig in and do the real work any lasting relationship takes.  We didn’t make it.  But here is where the off-course experience has its sweet sweet value.

Those 18 months felt like the best I’d ever had with a romantic partner.  For you to understand, let me get into the history of my romantic pursuits. 

At age 17, I had my first boyfriend.   He was almost 23, HUGE RED FLAG RIGHT THERE!!!  But there I was in the misery of feeling less than and unwanted thanks to my dad’s exit from my life at age 14.  Normally, that thanks has a sarcastic tinge to it, but in this case, since I am writing with lots of wisdom of hindsight 30 years after the traumatic event, it is a grateful and relieving thanks.  Anyway, back the story.  That relationship went south after our 1st year but I endured 3 years dating that possessive, jealous, demeaning, controlling, emotionally and physically abusive vampire.  I must have tried to break up with him at least 5-7 times, but the stalker would show up at my door.  He was such a stalker he coordinated his work schedule so that he’d have time to get to my job, take me to college night classes which by the way were two train rides away (eye roll).  Not only would he take me to school, on many occasions he would wait for me outside class to the point that one classmate started calling him my shadow.  It was embarrassing, scary, suffocating, and inescapable.  How did I get away you ask?  After another traumatic life event that I’ll share at some future time.  In any event, I had to leave the country.  After 3 years of downward spiral, I made it to somewhere safe finally.
 
Cue 2nd relationship. 

Having arrived in Colombia to be with family and finally have some respite, I meet my ex-husband just a few weeks after arriving.  Yep, you might’ve guessed it if you already inferred that I had unprocessed buried years of trauma.  I jumped into that relationship without healing or understanding where I went wrong.  He was the opposite of my first boyfriend.  He never put me down.  On the contrary he felt proud of me, showed me off, never abused me, didn’t have a temper, the perfect antidote to all that toxic pain the vampire inflicted in me. I dated my ex-husband for 3 years, long distance I may add, to culminate in a marriage that lasted 6 years.  Six years that had ups and downs, an 8-month split at age 27 followed by a permanent split at age 30.  Yes, and this one like the first was full of red flags!!!  Namely, alcoholism, LIKE.MY.FATHER.

Woooooossssaaaahhhhhhh………

So, 2004 he leaves, 2006 we’re divorced, and I grieve, and I grieve, and I grieve.  My grieving felt like it lasted through 2008.  I quit my job when he left and went back to college full time since my mom offered to help.  During this time my soul got a much-deserved break.  I was a full time mom, went back to school, found therapy in cooking and watching Food Network, and jogged about 6 days a week. I found these all fulfilling.  My soul needed this “down time”.  I healed from having defined myself through my relationship.  He left and all I could think, or feel was “What now?”.  I had no idea what to do, who I was, or where I should go, emotionally and mentally.  Eventually, I found my footing.

These two relationships gave me insight on abuse and dysfunction from the perspective of a partner as opposed to a daughter which is how I lived it growing up.  These experiences provided growth in knowing what I wanted but most importantly what I didn’t want.
Here I am, 2016, 4 years out of cancer, feeling great about life, and I am now ready to seek what I had taken a long break from, to fully give of myself to a companion and hoping to find one who fully gave of himself to me.  

So, this guy comes along, and it seemed he checked off many of the boxes!  Red flags, um yeah, I eventually started seeing them, but my brain was so high on the "love hormone" oxytocin (which screws us women over royally), that I quickly dismissed them to him having a hard childhood, which I did too, right?!? And, to his PTSD after serving 3 tours of duty.  I mean, poor guy, he gives so much affection and seemed ok in so many aspects of his life, that to me it just offset whatever red flags I perceived.  Thing is, I was justifying them because I still had low self-worth.    Ding ding ding!!!  Aahhh, dear sweet life lessons…

After 3 months of dating, I decided to move in with him.  After marriage and subsequent divorce, I walked away with the certainty that to really know someone and to know if it will work, it’s crucial to cohabitate with them.  How do you adjust to sharing a space together, what are the idiosyncrasies, can you navigate them, but most importantly how do you resolve bumps in the road?  Because it is through these experiences that you’ll know if there really is a partnership going on. The best way to know, is to bunk up and see if you are both willing to hunker down and do the work! 

Since most of our time was about having fun and adventuring, there were no major situations to work through.  We never had blown out arguments, I had left that long behind with my first boyfriend.  We had couple of tiffs, but nothing major.  I did sense that he overreacted a couple of times, like the level of upset didn’t match the “crime”.  When I finally got around to grieving the breakup, I fully understood and accepted that part of this was tied to red flag no. 1, he was a steroid junkie!  Of course, his over reaction to things triggered my history and “No one’s gonna mess with me” mode!  BAM, recipe for disaster!

I couldn’t really wrap my head around it for a while.  But it was watching the R. Kelly interview with Gayle King that offered the clarity I needed.  I was in an 18-month relationship with a narcissist.  Some of the behaviors confused me, and I always attributed them to his service or hard childhood, which likely are also contributing factors, but doing this led me to minimize the inappropriateness of his reactions.  What a lesson.  Narcissism is a truly scary and potentially dangerous mental illness.  The worst thing is the person doesn’t even know they are ill.  That is because they avoid by every means possible to do the work to heal their emotional wounds.  And these wounds or trauma is what led to them developing the narcissistic behaviors and personality.  My ex never had outbursts like R. Kelly, but seeing the interview, I saw that the potential was there.  He just fought them back hard.  That combined with the medications he was on helped keep things under wraps.  But everything makes so much sense now.  He would interrupt me in the middle of conversations and completely start his own topic, my plans most times somehow turned into his, I noticed envy for others good lives, needing lots of attention, jumping from one relationship to another, I even realized at the end he was a pathological liar.  No, this is not the type of relationship I would aim for if I were ok.

Looking back, I understand that we were both still wounded souls that had a lot of individual healing to do.  We triggered each other’s PTSD wounds.  A coming together of two individuals with this nature and level of unresolved internal turmoil just can never get far.  I know he was a soul mate, a temporary one.  He cracked open a window for me to view myself, to realize what still wasn’t fully healed in me.  Because you see, to end up with someone who is toxic means we are toxic ourselves.  At the end of the day it is us who choose to open the door to our heart, space, lives, and homes, to others.  The signs are there if someone is genuine or not.  We choose to downgrade or completely ignore red flags, and that’s only because of our own emotional and mental limitations.  It is because we have self-limiting beliefs about the kind of relationship we deserve.   And we all deserve an honest, supporting, and healthy relationships that both nurtures individuality as well as partnership.  This relationship is only possible when we are in a complete space of self-worth.  Because otherwise, we compromise our individuality, our dreams, our potential.
​
I am thankful for the time with him.  And I pray he finds healing.  I saw his light, as I always try to in others.  But in the end, he chooses to feed the bad wolf, as the Native American teaching speaks of
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I was allowing myself to be consumed by his shadow.  It was a necessary lesson.  Now, I am most glad to have finally found the relationship that will always support me and my well being.  I am finally in a relationship that is accepting and nurturing and offers me the limitless potential to be, without judgement or confines.  It’s the relationship we should all aim to find.  It’s the relationship with ourselves.  When we are healed, and vibrate at this higher frequency, it is this same vibration that we will attract.  We will not settle for less than we deserve.

Someone shared this poem with me called A Narcissist’s prayer :
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It didn’t sit well with me at all and so, this reply was born from the depths of my soul
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If you find yourself in this type of a relationship, either because you entered one voluntarily, or because you have family members who have this issue, please educate yourself and seek help.   I found this amazing YouTube channel and it has been a great resource along with seeing a psychologist.  Just know that many people find themselves in this situation and you always have the choice to change your circumstances. 

I am so glad to be back and feeling better about myself.  I love my journey of life, with its twists and turns, but mostly thankful for the awakenings it has blessed me with.
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Wishing all healing and wellness of spirit.
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Infinite Gratitude - The Big 4-0

8/9/2014

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August 7th I was in a daze!  I turned the big 4-0; a fourth decade of life! It hasn't been easy getting this far, but nonetheless, I'm here.  I've faced so much this last decade, and physically had to overcome my hardest challenge.  But the emotional stuff spans all decades, and conquering that is my proudest accomplishment.  I've come out from the darkest corners of my mind and heart, which for me is worse than any physical challenge. 

I haven't come this far by myself.  I am infinitely grateful to God first and foremost, my mom, sister, child, father, ex-husband, extended family, friends (past and present), friends/co-workers,  Dr. John Diaz and staff, Dr. Aaron Wolfson an staff, Cancer Support Community of Greater Miami support group participants, Ayama Yoga instructors Beatriz Adriana Gutierrez and Kristina Gerster, Reverends Robert and Barbara Asinger and the Church By The Sea Community and last but not least, the Epic Experience Full Moon Camp participants and volunteers.  The seeds of hope in me, you have all nourished and help to keep blossoming.

My THANKS to YOU ALL!!! 

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Heroes Come in All Shapes and Sizes – Molly the CANSURVIVOR Labrador

7/21/2013

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PictureMolly ^_^
One of my favorite creatures on this earth is dogs. 
They are so affectionate and loyal, the joyful greeting always so  unconditional. Coming across the  story of Molly made me so happy to have the opportunity to feature this
benevolent being. 

Molly was a poorly cared after Labrador retriever.   Her owners overfed her causing her to be 30 pounds overweight, but they  also failed to realize that she was having an allergic reaction to the food she was given, causing a yeast infection in her body.  It resulted in the loss of a great part of her fur which left her skin exposed and resulted in fungus growth which caused a smell that the family simply dealt with by leaving her outside (shameful).  The family feeling overwhelmed finally gave her up to a rescue organization (best thing that could have happened to her).  On top of the inappropriate care and neglect Molly had endured, her foster family noticed a growth on her neck.  It was cancer.


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One Crazy Sexy CANSURVIVOR - Kris Carr

7/15/2013

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PictureKris Carr
Whoa!  I feel like I’ve been living under a rock.   Could it be that if I didn’t get cancer I would’ve continued to be oblivious to the existence of this wellness warrior?  Who knows, but in any case, if I stumbled upon her and her sassy, no  nonsense, and completely proactive attitude because of my cancer, well then,  thank you cancer!

 


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The Power of Sharing – The Gift of Robin Roberts

7/9/2013

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PictureRobin Roberts
I’ve mentioned before how the strength of others that have  experienced  cancer or some seemingly insurmountable challenge gave me courage  to fight  my own battle.  There’s  something to be said about the power of  sharing.  For one thing, it is a great release and purging of sorts.   Being faced with such an emotionally, physically, spiritually, and  perhaps
even financially taxing experience is quite a load to carry by 
internalizing it.  But also,  sharing our experiences has the
potential for profound impact, on those near us,  at a distance, or even on  a larger scale, capable of creating social  movements.  The story of  Robin  Robert’s journey, from her breast cancer diagnosis in 2007 to her  2012 MDS  (myelodysplastic syndrome, which is a kind of pre-leukemia)  definitely falls into  the full range of that  spectrum.



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 Choosing Where Our Power Lies - Nick Vujicic

6/13/2013

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PictureNick Vujicic
Many years ago, I was  watching a talk show and the guest was  recounting a rape experience she’d  lived through.   I remember the host asking her something to the  effect of how do you go  on?  The woman replied that the  rape  was an experience in her life, but not the experience of her life.  I held onto  the meaning of those  words as I went through my experience with  cancer because a moment in our lives, if we allow it to, can be so  defining.  The important thing is how we allow it to define us. For a long  time, I gave power to painful events in my life that were no longer my  reality.  It’s a process learning not to live like that, but learning not  to is attainable. I’m inspired by this woman because she  did not give that event power it did not deserve and that ultimately was her   message.  I wish I remembered her  name to give her the credit she  deserves, but I remember her courage and that  powerful message, and as it  has touched me, I hope it touches you. 
 
We all have different  journeys and challenges, but nonetheless we can find inspiration and courage  from each other.    Our lives are so much bigger than one  moment or circumstance of adversity. Not long ago, I learned about Nick Vujicic,  a very tenacious  young man that has not given power to his “circumstance”,  but rather has allowed  it to empower him by letting it serve as  inspiration to others to help them  empower themselves.   I came  across these two quotes recently, and he is the embodiment of  both:

“If you really want to do something, you’ll find  a way.  If you don’t, you’ll find  an excuse.” Jim Rohn

“Your  life  does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.”  Jim Rohn

Watch the video and get to know Nick's story:

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=50138905n


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National Cancer Survivors Day 6/02/2013

6/2/2013

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PictureClay Treska
Today is National Cancer Survivors Day, but it is every day that compassion,  empathy, and support are needed, at diagnosis, during, and post-treatment.   It takes a community to get through this because the patients as well as the  caregivers need support.  Outside of family, friends, and medical  staff here is a great organization to seek  for support:

http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/default.aspx

For some inspiration, read Clay Treska's story, a stage 4 CANSURVIVOR:

http://teamtreska.org/Home.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iXCf569Vhw

A  true hero, thank you Clay!



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Finding the Courage - Louise Hay

6/1/2013

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There are so many things I've had to find courage for in my life.  Cancer
has been the most recent one.  I have to say, thanks to so many
uplifting testimonies of selfless individuals, I've been able to face this "chin
up".  I've gone from paralyzing fear and doubt, to a hopeful, grab the bull
by the horns, CAN DO attitude.  The story that has most steered me in this  direction is that of Louise Hay, namely because I truly identified with her in  her book, You Can Heal Your Life.  I read it while I was recovering after all of my radiation treatment and last chemo cycle.  I've felt so much of what she has felt in life, and though I don't know her personally, she shares enough of herself that her story has imparted in me a feeling of comfort and hope, as if she's a personal friend. This site is aimed at tempering the shock of the diagnosis and experience of cancer by sharing stories of courage.  If you are not familiar with Louise Hay, I hope you enjoy and are inspired by her testimony.

If you are afraid, as I have been so many times, I am sending you the warmest of embraces.  Remember, this is a trying journey, but you can get through it.  I hope what I share helps you along the way, but also find things within yourself that you feel will help you along the way.  I focused on these stories but I also:

Did not ask for a prognosis, trusted my expert team of doctors to make the best  decision for my case (I believe God has the last say anyway)
Gave thanks every day, even for the tough treatment, because we live in a time of very advanced medicine
Set a goal of running (or at least walking) my first 5K. I'm  aiming for October 2013
Laughter being the best medicine, I watched funny movies when possible during treatment, my favorite being The Money Pit
I let my family do the research  whenever any symptoms came up and dealt with them as I went
along
I made sure to see my "wellness therapist" throughout the whole  process
I started yoga, acupuncture, and participating in a support group once physically able to, post-treatment

Stay the course, trust that God is on your side!

http://www.louisehay.com/about-louise/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0ZZ8xK6PE4

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    Welcome!

    Hi and welcome! I thank you for visiting this blog as it is my way of paying it forward. During my cancer treatment I decided to focus on stories of courage that kept coming my way and that helped keep me going.  Some are cancer related and some are not, but all are of the power of the human spirit and of the will of people to make it through the toughest of situations.  This is a platform to share those stories.  If you have a story of courage, cancer related or not, I'd love for you to share it!

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